Blog: Time after time



I hope everyone is well. 

This is not my first attempt at writing a blog since I got covid, but it’s the first one that has made it past a few words. Covid has been pretty awful.  I’ve since tested negative, but still having issues with tiredness, headaches and with my voice/speech.  The brain fog has been lingering too, which has made it hard to write. But I am a believer that better days are ahead, so clutching onto my personal mantra I am going to keep moving forwards.

Being ill has made me think a lot about time and the impact thinking about it has on our wellbeing. The past is our journey to this very day.  There are hopefully more good events on that journey.  The negative events that happen on our journey are often what we linger on – whether these are mistakes we felt we made, things done to us or regrets, they can have an impact on this day. The thing is, we cannot change the past – it happened already.  No amount of self-deprecation or self-punishment will ever change that.

I discovered on my journey to forgive myself. I’ve made mistakes, bad things have happened to me, and I have had regrets. That is life – life is supposed to be messy. I wish I could tell 18-year-old James this, its ok not to be ok and perfection is a lie.  Be it the many body issues I had or low self-esteem, this is my past and it is also part of who I was.  Read that back: who I was.  This is my past; I cannot change it.  The biggest thing I did was choose to live in the now and strive for a positive future.

The future can be scary too. I know I am not alone when thinking about the future taking me to a place of fear.  We don’t have control over what is going to happen.  Even when we think we are all set on a course and content, life can throw you are curve ball. As with tough times in the past, it come down to “bad things happen to good people.” That is just how life is sometimes. What we can learn is skills to control how we react, how we cope and survive these events. That is our resilience.

Right now, elements of my future look scary.  I don’t have a job after 12 December, I’m not able to exercise to the level I need to manage my health conditions and a few other things are playing on my mind.  That’s just an example – I cannot control what is going to happen. But what I do have, is faith in myself and my own abilities. My recovery is progressing slowly, and I am getting stronger. There are many vacancies in England, and I have a strong sense of what I want from my next job – I believe I am capable of landing well into my next job. I am an atheist, I’ve never believed in any gods or religions (we all have our own views on that, and I fully respect everyone’s beliefs), I choose to have faith in my own abilities.  I know I can get it done in life when it counts.

We only live in the present day.  The past is done with, the future is yet to come. If you are having a rough day, take some time out for you if you can.

I don’t have all the answers, that I know. But I also know myself, and I keep that belief in myself. I’ll be ok.

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